Christmas: "A Team JC Christmas"

The Revd Brutus Green

 

A Team JC Christmas

(The newly made-up version)

OPENING CEREMONY

Mary: This is the story of the birth of our saviour Jesus Christ.

The children’s choir sing “Mary Look Behind You” from The Star Attraction by Sheila Wilson.

 

ACT 1

Commentator: And here we are in the final week before Bethlehem Zero Zero as the Olympic Candle is finally arriving at Nazareth. Here it will pass through the home of Mary, who is shortly to be married to a young carpenter called Joseph.

Gabriel: Hail Mary, full of racing, the Lord is with you!  I’m sorry but you’re not going to be able to compete in the games this year because you’re going to have a baby!

Mary: How can this be?  I’ve spent four years in training.

Gabriel: The Holy Spirit overtook you, and you have conceived a son and you shall call him Jesus.

Mary: Gosh.   I feel a little sick. I hope it’s not Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  How will I tell Joseph? This could lead to some serious coalition friction.

Gabriel: Do not fear!  It has already been relayed to him in a dream.

Commentator: King Herod who was celebrating his diamond jubilee with a grand sporting tournament, required that everyone come to Bethlehem for the games.  Mary and Joseph, believing rumours that there would be hour long queues at train stations, rode their little donkey all the way to Bethlehem.  Ahead of them ran the Olympic candle.

Mary: Oh Joseph, it’s such a long way, and we’re so poor.  Did you bring any snacks?

Joseph: No there’s a double dip recession on, darling.  There’s no sherbet to be had anywhere.

Mary: Oh no!  These Olympics are going to be more like The Hunger Games.

Mary: If only Galilee would vote for independence we wouldn’t have to come all this way to pay our taxes.

Joseph: That’s true.  But at least our son won’t have to pay to go to university.

ACT 1I

Innkeeper: Welcome to the Olympic village.  How can we help you?

Mary: It’s been a marathon of a day and we need somewhere to stay.

Innkeeper: I’m afraid this is for athletes only and with a baby on the way the only event you’re good for is the opening ceremony.

Joseph: Come on Mary, let’s try this nice looking building called “Church House”.Mary: Could we possibly stay here?

Bishop: No I’m afraid we don’t admit women.  Never have.  No girls allowed.

Joseph: But it says here you’re under new management?

Bishop: Still no.  Come back in five years.

Mary: How rude.  Well let’s try this building “City Hall”.

Joseph: Do you have somewhere for us to stay?

Boris: Hello! I want to deliver those changes that Bethlehemers, and visitors to the city, tell us they want to see: a cleaner city with safer streets, better transport, and good quality affordable housing.  For now, though, we’re a bit full here.  The equestrian events are being held over there in Greenwich.  You might find somewhere to keep your donkey. I can lend you a bike if you need one, and there’s a special Olympic donkey lane.

Commentator: So Mary and Joseph went to the stables at Greenwich and settled down for the night.

 

ACT III

Commentator: Meanwhile out in the hills of Galilee a group of ragged misfits gathered together, watching their sheep...

Shepherd 1: It’s been a bad year for journalists, forced out onto the hills to watch the sheep.

Shepherd 2: Yeah, I even lent my camel to Herod and I’m still here.

Shepherd 3: I used to sell delicious gingerbread Lattes but a little tax avoidance and King Herod has me out in the cold.

Shepherd 4: I had my bonus and knighthood taken away, and still got fired.

Shepherd 5: I’m a celebrity politician, get me out of here!

Shepherd 4: Shouldn’t you be spending more time with your family?

Shepherd 2: I heard they’re bringing in new legislation that will compromise the freedom of shepherding.

Shepherd 1: It’s a bad business.  Still it’s amazing what a long lens can catch from these hills.  Look up there!

Shepherd 2: Is that James Bond and the Queen arriving?

Angels: Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace!

Shepherd 3: Ahhhhhhhhhh!  50 Shades of White!

Shepherd 2: Finally we’ll get some interviews.

Shepherd 5: I love all the silver and gold.  No austerity for angels huh?

Shepherd 4: They’ve never had it so good.

Angel 2: Do not be afraid. I bring you tidings of great joy. For to you is born this day in the city of David a king who is Christ the Lord, and he will reign forever.

Shepherd 3: What? Even past a diamond jubilee?  That’s a lot of big lunches.

Shepherd 4: Sounds like bronze, silver and gold to me.

Shepherd 1: How do you see this panning out?

Angel 2: Well it’s all about the legacy isn’t it?

Shepherd 5: Let us run on to Bethlehem to see the child!

Angels 2: We’ll go on ahead in our chariots of fire…

Commentator: As they gathered in the humble stable they looked up and saw the Olympic flame was shining bright like a diamond overhead.  In the night Mary gave birth to a baby boy and they wrapped him in swaddling bands and laid him in a manger.

Away in a Manger, exeunt omnes, fin &c.